I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
You Might Also Like
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.