How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
You Might Also Like
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it