You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
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Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
best first i’ve ever seen
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I don’t know what to do
good work, everybody
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!