18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
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Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Möther may I have a snäck
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,