Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
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To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.