Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
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me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Dead sexy!!
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?