When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
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BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.