“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
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me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
That lamp looks PISSED.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence