Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
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some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Pot warmers of the day.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are