When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
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cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Worst perfume name ever.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
based al yankovic
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever