Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
You Might Also Like
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
opening twitter today
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???