Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
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Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Me too door. Me too.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.