WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
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[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…