[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
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My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl