Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
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Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most