If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
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My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Called it
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.