*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
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This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…