Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
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When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
i’m sure it’s fine
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Last-minute gift idea!
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.