I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
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7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
My life coach traded me.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten