Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
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[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
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