I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
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You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
set yourself free xox
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.