I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
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doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.