YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
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Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.