One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
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Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Unexpected Judgment
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city