Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
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You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
inventing words: clothing
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one