Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
You Might Also Like
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.