Sponch
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Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
scrabbled eggs
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
im all 3
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.