Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
You Might Also Like
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
When I laugh on my period
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
The best plant holders?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings