Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
You Might Also Like
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
From Facebook just now…
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?