I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
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The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
this came to me in a vision
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
😂🤣😂🤣
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.