Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
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[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.