Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
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The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Are you a cat person or a person person?
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.