“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
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I would guard your potatoes so hard.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
😂 amazing answer
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
cause of death:
autopsy.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.