Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
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When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.