Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
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How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it