So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
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I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
then why did i get this email
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Straight people are cancelled
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?