Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
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Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
The devil.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go