*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
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“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.