An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
You Might Also Like
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
these two trucks have the same bed length
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Thrilling chase underway
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Untitled Goose Game (2019)