Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
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Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids