My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
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“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance