I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
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If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
This guy gets it.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.