Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
You Might Also Like
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together