Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
You Might Also Like
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
catch me on valentine’s day like
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle