Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
You Might Also Like
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.