Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
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My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box