glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
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Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.