If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
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Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.