babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
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Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.