If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
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‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.